


To Each of Us, Our Own Assigned Delusion

by Vadianna



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Awkward Virgin Kylo Ren, Blowjobs, Dildos, Kylux Hard Kinks, M/M, Mostly Crack, casualty: one sensitivity officer, lots of secondhand embarrassment, sex ed, telephone dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 21:20:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11170290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vadianna/pseuds/Vadianna
Summary: The First Order Personnel Counseling Hotline is staffed by sensitivity officers well-trained in dealing with personal issues that arise during service to the First Order, including struggles with worthiness, conflicts with other employees, and even doubts about loyalty.  If you need to talk, they'll be available for a live conversation during any shift.A mysterious caller manages to find personal issues that they were not trained to deal with.  Specifically, because everyone in the Order is given the same basic sex ed classes at the same time.  There is incredulity and hard feelings on both sides.





	To Each of Us, Our Own Assigned Delusion

**Author's Note:**

> For the [@Kylux Hard Kinks](http://kyluxhardkinks.tumblr.com/post/160208388579/the-story-of-kylux-as-told-through-awkward-virgin) prompt:
> 
>  
> 
> _The story of Kylux, as told through awkward virgin Kylo Ren's conversations with the First Order's anonymous Sexual Health Q &A Hotline._
> 
>  
> 
> Whoever this was, thank you.

“Welcome to the First Order Personnel Counseling Hotline. Regulation requires me to inform you that because your comm identity is blocked, this call is automatically recorded and reported to an investigative committee, who will be listening for signs of noncompliance. You will be located and re-conditioned if found to be noncompliant.”

“…”

“Hello? Do you understand?”

“Shit, just- *click*”

 

  
——

 

 

“Welcome to the First Order Personnel Counseling Hotline. Regulation requires me to inform you that since your comm identity is blocked, this call is automatically recorded and reported to an investigative committee, who will be listening for signs of noncompliance. You will be located and re-conditioned if found to be noncompliant.”

“Yeah, that’s fine, I had to make sure my comm couldn’t be traced.”

“We _can_ trace any call. There is no anonymity in the First Order.”

“I’m not- Okay. Fine, there’s no anonymity in the First Order, whatever. I need to talk to somebody.”

“That’s what the counseling line is for.”

“I thought you might be able to help me. I meditated, I looked to- uh, I did a lot of self-reflection, but it didn’t help. I think I need some… practical advice for this. And I can’t ask my Master for help.”

“Your… master? Your superior officer?”

“Sure. So, one of my… coworkers. Things have been getting pretty intense between us. And I think we’re getting close to, ah, maybe having a relationship. A physical one. You know?”

“I’m required to inform you that fraternizing with subordinates is forbidden by First Order regulation. I’m also required to ask whether your coworker is the same rank as you.”

“I wish he wasn’t, but yeah. I’d still want him if he was a subordinate, though.”

“That would be forbid-”

“I’d like that better.”

“…”

“Hello?”

“We can proceed, since you are asking for relationship advice about a coworker that is ranked neither above nor below you. How can I help you?”

“Well, how do I know if he likes me like that?”

“What?”

“Was there a bad connection? How do I know that he wants a physical relationship with me?”

“You… have to ask him. Have you asked him?”

“No. I just thought we would both know when it was time.”

“Well… yes, that is technically how it works. But you have to talk to each other to be sure.”

“So I can just ask him if he’s ready?”

“I… suppose.”

“Okay. What do I say?”

“I… am unsure as to the status of your relationship. What do you normally talk about and do together? Are you friends now?”

“I don’t have any friends, and I don’t think he does either. Do we have to be friends first?”

“It helps, but not necessarily. So you just work together?”

“Yes.”

“What do you talk about? I mean, what kind of common ground do you have? How do you get along? What makes you think he’d be interested in a relationship, or a physical one, if you aren’t currently spending time together outside of work?”

“We get into some pretty intense arguments. He likes to have things a certain way, and I can tell it gets him pretty hot when I go against him. He hates when I undermine his orders, question his methods, but he has to listen to me, and it drives him crazy. I can tell he’s really into me. He has this really buttoned-down way about it though, like he’s holding it in. But I can tell. His face gets so red, and he gets quiet, like he’s tongue-tied. I know he’s trying to resist telling me to fuck off. _That wouldn’t be professional._  That’s what really gets me. I want to see him let go.”

“Well. Okay. So… neither of you are ranked above the other?”

“No. I already told you that. I’d like it if I was, though. It would make him even angrier.”

“It sounds to me like you… just fight a lot at work. I’m not sure that he’s on the same… uh, he may not have the same interpretation of that relationship as you.”

“It’s not like that. I don’t bother to fight with people. Neither does he. So I think he’s… you know, as attracted as I am, if he bothers with it too.”

“The entire basis of your relationship is that you don’t get along?”

“Yeah. I was wondering, how… do I… you know.”

“…Start a physical relationship?”

“Yes.”

“Find common ground, a subject you can both agree on, and have a casual conversation.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I would strongly encourage you to do that first.”

“You’re really bad at this.”

“I am here to report on noncompliance, and to talk people out of suicide. This isn’t a dating hotline. I wasn’t trained for that. What I’m telling you is common sense, and if you want a relationship with this guy, I would encourage you to try it.”

“Whatever. So, apparently, I should have some sort of conversation with him. Not an argument. And then, can we have sex after that?”

“You can have sex at any time, but I would advise you to ask your coworker if he’d be interested in sex before you try. Before that, before those words come out of your mouth, if you do actually want to have sex with him, please ask your coworker for drinks or a coffee at the off-duty lounge. Have a regular conversation with him. See if he’s interested in you when you aren’t both caught up in the heat of the moment.”

“…”

“Does that not make sense to you?”

“It seems like a lot of work if we both just want to have sex.”

“Okay. Fine. Ask him if he wants to have sex the next time you’re arguing. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Yeah. So that’s fine?”

“No, it absolutely isn’t. I’m not sure why you called if you were already set on doing that.”

“I’m nervous.”

“You don’t sound nervous. You sound belligerent.”

“Okay. Maybe I’ll call later if it doesn’t go well.”

“Don’t call-*click*”

 

 

—

 

 

“Welcome to the First Order Personnel Counseling Hotline. Regulation requires me to inform you that since your comm identity is blocked, this call is automatically recorded and reported to an investigative committee, who will be listening for signs of noncompliance. You will be located and re-conditioned if found to be noncompliant.”

“Okay, I guess my comm’s still restricted, so fine. I did what you told me to.”

“What?”

“Last time I called, you told me to ask him if he wanted sex while we were fighting.”

“I… what? Who is this?”

“That doesn’t matter. But I did it.”

“This is an advice line for those having doubts about their First Order career or their worthiness. We don’t offer sex advice.”

“But I need to talk to someone, I told you last time. You said it was okay.”

“You didn’t talk to me.”

“Okay, but listen anyway. So I could feel that my coworker and I-”

“I am required to inform you-”

“Yes, we are of equal rank. Shut up. So we had a pretty serious argument, and I could feel that he was really into it, and I was really into it, and I thought we could have sex. So I asked him. You said that I should ask next time we fought.”

“I know who you are. You didn’t talk to me. Tarr told me about you.”

“Then don’t waste my time! So he said yes. But… I don’t know what to do now.”

“… Excuse me?”

“Well, he tried to take off my helmet, and I left and called you. What should I do?”

“Oh. Well, if you… asked him if he wanted to have sex, why didn’t you let him take off your helmet?”

“Nobody here has seen my face, and I didn’t know if it was okay! I’m too embarrassed to ask my master. And besides, what if he didn’t like it?”

“Your…? Well, nevermind. Hey, you know, it sounds like you panicked and bolted-”

“No, I’m not _scared_ -”

“No, no! I- uh, no. I know you’re not _scared_. I’m sure that’s _not it at all_. You just didn’t know what to do next. I get it. But hey, listen. I gotta say, I can’t believe he said yes, based on what Tarr told me and what you said just now. So if he’s that into you, I doubt he cares about that. Go for it.”

“Okay, so I should just leave it on?”

“What?! The hel- Okay. Sure. If that makes you feel better. Do Stormtroopers have sex in armor?”

“How should I know? I’ve never- oh. I. Who are you?”

“Corporal Neraluy, Sensitivity Officer.”

“You’re kind of a jackass for a sensitivity officer.”

“You’re kind of a jackass yourself. We tried to report you, and they couldn’t trace your comm.”

“I told you it’s restricted.”

“I flagged the report this time, since you’re clearly contemplating sex during working hours, and dialed the hotline during the same. You should be detained within minutes.”

“Are you even listening to me? _My comm is restricted._  We’re fine. Tell me what to do next.”

“I’ve been advised to keep you on the line. How old are you? You must be fresh.”

“Fresh?”

“… Certainly you’ve heard the term before. New. Just joined. Straight from the academies.”

“Oh, no. I’m not. Fresh. So you think he’d have sex with me with the helmet on?”

“Sure, if you say so.”

“Okay. So, like, who goes first?”

“Goes first?”

“Yeah. Do I go first, since I asked?”

“I… you’re going to have to be more specific. What do you think happens first?”

“Like, do I just get it out and start rubbing it in front of him?”

“ _What_.”

“I’m getting pretty tired of repeating myself. I know you heard me the first time. Did you say you were sending some troops down to me?”

“I have not been notified of their dispatch, but you can be assured that they will arrive presently.”

“I almost hope that’s true, I could make Hu-uh, my coworker and I could fight about it. I could go back in and pick up where we left off.”

“I hope they find and neutralize you. You have some legitimate issues we probably should be talking about, instead of whatever fantasy you imagined between you and your coworker.”

“Fantasy. Right. You didn’t answer my question. So does he watch me first?”

“Are you… talking about masturbating in front of him?”

“Masturbating?”

“Yes. Masturbating. In front of him.”

“What’s ‘masturbating?’”

“Do you… okay. So let me make sure I understand what you think is happening. You asked a coworker, whom you fight with constantly, if he would like to have sex. Correct?”

“Yes.”

“And he… I’m having trouble believing this, but he agreed to this, and then began to remove your helmet. You fled the room, called me, and then asked me to send troopers down, which you plan to use as leverage, and let me emphasize this, _I really don’t want to know how or why_ , against your coworker, so you can presumably continue your aborted sexual liaison. Then you are proposing to remove your… you said rubbing, and that could go either way, but I'm going to guess you have a penis? Remove your cock from your pants and masturbate in front of your coworker. While he watches.”

“If by _masturbation_  you mean _onanism_ , then yes.”

“I don’t know that word, and I don’t know where you learned that word, but I think you know what I mean. You propose to touch yourself until you release.”

“Yeah. I want to get hard and rub myself while he watches. Sex, like I said. I don’t understand why this is so hard for you to understand. Have you never committed onanism yourself?”

“It sounds like you are getting angry at me, and I don’t know what to tell you. He won’t like it if you… ugh. If you do that. Probably. If that’s really want you want, ask him first.”

“Ask him if he wants to watch me commit onanism?”

“Don’t ask him that, but yes.”

“But… what else would he expect from sex?”

“Are you putting one over on me? Did Tiepp put you up to this?”

“Put me up to _what_? Listen, I’m going to… If you are _mocking me_ , I’m going to… report… you to… Kylo Ren.”

“To Kylo Ren?”

“That's a serious threat.”

“Okay. You’ve completely failed at this. I know the troopers get the same sex ed that we do. Come on, this is too unrealistic. Just tell me that Tiepp did this, and we can both have a laugh. I’ll go into the lounge and we can listen to the recording and we’ll all have a laugh.”

“No, you’re done. I’m… I’m going to report you to Kylo Ren. For execution.”

“Right, come on, like Kylo Ren is-*click*”

 

 

—

 

 

“Welcome to the First Order Personnel Counseling Hotline. Regulation requires me to inform y-”

“Got it, I’ve done this before. Are you willing to listen to me this time?”

“Excuse me?”

“I know you aren’t the guy from before. I sent Kylo Ren after him.”

“Oh, oh **no** , you’re the Kylo Ren guy. Neraluy was executed! You talked Kylo Ren into executing him for incompetence!”

“Kylo Ren takes incompetent counselors very seriously. I just had to tell him that Neraluy thought my problem was a joke.”

“Of course he did! We’ve all had standard sex ed! Your questions weren’t real questions.”

“Well, I didn’t have standard sex ed. I was sick. I wanted Neraluy, the hotline operator and sensitivity officer, to tell me what to do.”

“No you didn’t. You kept telling him what you were going to do, and hung up and had him executed when he thought you were joking.”

“Yeah. Well, I just want someone to listen and give me some good advice. Hey, you have to calm down. I promise I won’t execute you if you take me seriously.”

“Of course I believe you’re serious, Neraluy is dead!”

“Can we just… move beyond that? Okay? Since we’ve already talked about it a couple times.”

“Why should I? How do I know you won’t have me executed if I say the wrong thing?”

“Because I _just told you_  I wouldn’t. But I will have you executed for being _obstinate_  if we can’t move on. Just listen to me!”

“As long as you understand that I wanted to hang up right away, and the only reason I’m still talking is that they told me to. They’re trying to find you again.”

“Okay, then you _have_  to listen to me.”

“Why don’t you talk to Kylo Ren, if you two are friends?”

“Look, Kylo Ren doesn’t have _friends_ , we’re… just… he sometimes listens to me. About work. And Kylo Ren… he… he’s above such concerns. He takes… uh, compliance very seriously. And the First Order. But I can’t. You know. I can’t tell him about my sex life.”

“Oh, I don’t know. I bet he gets laid all the time.”

“Laid?”

“What?”

“He gets laid all the time?”

“Sure. He can probably have sex with whoever he wants. Even if he's hideous below that mask, he can do those mind control things.”

“So, you think Kylo Ren should leave his mask on during sex?”

“I don’t know! What, are you trying to have sex with Kylo Ren?”

“No! I’m just wondering, now, since you brought it up. If Kylo Ren asked you to… have sex, do you think he should leave his mask on?”

“…”

“Well?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say here. Yes? Maybe? I haven’t thought about it before. I guess he wouldn’t be Kylo Ren without the mask.”

“Okay. So, my coworker-”

“Is it Kylo Ren? You may as well be honest.”

“It’s not Kylo Ren!”

“Hm. I have listened to your recordings, we all have, and we’ve speculated about your love life. I remember hearing you say that you were the same rank, and that you fought a lot with your coworker. Nobody’s the same rank as Kylo Ren, and you’d have to be invincible to get into a fight with that guy.”

“Yeah. All of that. He’s not Kylo Ren.”

“But you do want to have sex with Kylo Ren.”

“Yes. Definitely. Everyone does, right? But my coworker. The other sensitivity officer said I should ask him if he wants to watch me commit onanism.”

“He also told you not to ask him that. Look. You have to phrase it differently. Make it more tempting. None of us know what that word is. You don’t want to confuse him. That’s not how you set the mood.”

“That makes sense. What _should_  I say?”

“I don't know. I like women. I'm going to throw some things out here, and you see if you like the sound of any of it.  Ask him if he wants to watch you stroke your big dick, if he wants to watch you get rock hard for him and think about what it would feel like to have it inside him. Ask him if he wants a preview, a warning, ask him… I don’t know, maybe he’s not into this, but tell him he needs to beg you for permission to touch it while he watches. I don’t know. I’m stalling for time here, I want them to find you, and I don’t want Kylo Ren to execute me.”

“No, wait, I ask him if he wants to touch it?”

“… Yes? Would you not like that?”

“Will he say yes?”

“Uh. Probably? Most people really like to do that. Especially at first. That’s a good first step.”

“So. I can just. Ask him. And he’ll… touch it. He’ll touch me. He’ll rub me and get me off.”

“There's a good chance. But maybe we should start you out slow. Do it for him first, and ask while you’re doing it if he wants to, or if he had imagined it like you’re doing it.”

“No, I think I'd like him to do it to me first.  So… I ask him while I have my dick out if he wants to touch it? Or should I say some of these things before?”

“Either, I guess?”

“And then I just rub it?”

“Yes, whatever you want. Go slow. Maybe have some lube on you, I don’t know.”

“Lube?”

“Lubricant? You really didn’t have the sex ed classes, then?”

“No, I really didn’t. What’s lube? Like you use on engine parts?”

“Well, the same idea, but... for sex.”

“It makes sex more slippery?”

“Yes... it makes it feel better when you’re masturbating, especially if you have a dick. Makes moving your hand faster and easier.”

“Really? Where do I get it?”

“Well, just… you know. You can get the regular kind at commissary. Just ask for medical lubricant. The Deck four specialty store will have different kinds, though.”

“Deck four specialty store?”

“That might be a little advanced for you. Go get the medical lubricant first, and we’ll move you up to the other later. Ask for a bottle. You can get it in packets too, but that’s usually not enough for sex.”

“Okay. So I have the lubricant on me, and I put it on my hand and… masturbate? Do I use that word?”

“No. Hm. Use words like… uh. Uh. Well. ‘jerking,’ ‘beating,’ ‘slapping.’ And make sure you’re referring to it as your ‘rod,’ ‘meat,’ ‘schlong,’ ‘lap rocket,’ and ‘beef whistle.’”

“So I talk about it like that while I do it?”

“Yes. Why don’t you practice with me? Try it out. What would you say?”

“Uh. It’ll be hard to think while I’m doing it. It might be harder if I’m looking at him. Usually I’m thinking about him, but with him there. You know.”

“Well, that’s really sweet, and I hope he agrees to this. But go ahead. So he does, and he’s standing in front of you. You want to make this good for him too, since it’s already good for you. What do you say?”

“Um… ‘You want to see my lap rocket. Touch it- beat my schlong, just like this? Ask me if you want to slap my beef whistle. Think about it while I do it. You’ve thought about this before, watching me… uh, masturbate. Is this it? Is it what you thought? How you thought I would stroke my meat?’”

“…”

“Hello?”

“Yes, I’m sorry, the comm cut out on my end for a minute. I would say you should ask him if he wants to ‘blow your beef whistle,’ but slap works well there, too. That was nice. You should try that out.”

“Okay. I think I can do that.”

“That’s good. You sound confident.”

“Yeah. Kill-. Mmm. Kylo Ren’s unplanned execution will give me a reason to talk to him again, and I think I can do it this time. Do you have any more advice for me?”

“Just a couple more words, in case you need them. ‘Dong,’ ‘love piston,’ and ‘hog’ are all good for the heat of the moment, in case it gets really intense.”

“Nice. Hey, thanks, I really appreciate you taking me seriously.”

“No problem. They’re telling me to keep you on the line longer though, so do you want-”

“No point. They won’t find me.”

“For some reason, I believe you. But you know, I think we’ll all go much easier on you here, now that we know you missed the sex ed. And we all know who you are. I’ll put out the word, and if you need us again, we should all be ready to take your call.”

“Thanks. I’m hoping it goes well, and I don’t need to call again.”

“Sure.”

 

 

——

 

 

“Welcome to the First Order Personnel Counseling Line. Regulation requires-”

“Got it. Is this the same person I spoke to yesterday?”

“Are you the beef whistle guy?”

“Huh? Yeah, that’s one of the things the sensitivity officer told me to say.”

“…”

“Hello?”

“Sorry, we’ve been having more trouble with our audio here. So how did it go? Did you say it?”

“Yeah. I guess I kind of messed it up. I asked him if he wanted to ‘slap my beef whistle’ and he told me to stop talking and never say another word again, so maybe I should have said blow.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. He cut you off. Did you get him to watch you masturbate?”

“No, the beef whistle thing was one of the first things I said, when we- uh, when we moved to the closet. I was getting it out while I was saying it, and he told me to stop and slapped my hand away and grabbed it himself. I… I didn’t even have to ask him to do it for me!”

“Wow. It sounds like he’s really into you.”

“Yeah. He told me I was lucky I had such a nice cock, and knowing that made it easier to put up with the rest of me. I thought that was a really nice thing to say, about my cock anyway, but he told me not to talk, and-”

“Oh? Are you okay?”

“Yeah. He… he touched it better than I ever have. He used the lubricant and his gloves, and it… it was really good.”

“So it was what you were hoping for?”

“It was better. I’ve been using lubricant and… touching it like he has since yesterday. It’s so good. I don’t know how to ask him to do it again, though. Should I wait? Will he want to do it again today?”

“You can only ask. And maybe you can offer to do it to him, as well?”

“No. I tried, he told me to keep my clumsy hands off him.”

“Well… okay. But he may be more inclined now that you see how he likes it, though.”

“Maybe. I’d really like to touch him. Do you think he’d take his uniform off, if I asked?”

“What? Well, if he’s agreeing to this with you, it’s likely, but you’ll have to ask him.”

“It might be hard. I’m pretty sure he’s wearing a lot of layers. It makes him look more impressive.”

“…”

“Hello?”

“Ah, sorry, audio problems again. It sounds like your lover may be a high-ranking officer.”

“Really? Do you think he’s my lover? Should I ask him that too?”

“No, don't do that. You… should probably wait a little longer before asking him something like that. Based on what you’re telling me.”

“Okay. I guess I’ll go and ask him if he wants to touch me again. Only… there was something else he said that didn’t make much sense.”

“Please tell me. Maybe I can help you.”

“He kept talking about how much he liked my cock, and that he needed to get his lips around it. I didn’t quite understand. Does he want to kiss it? Do people kiss cocks that they like?”

“…”

“Hello? You should probably send someone over to fix your system, it’s getting really bad.”

“I-”

“Hello?”

“No, it’s… I’m… I’m fine. Yes. Okay. So he told you he wants to get his lips around your cock? That’s good!”

“Really? He wants to kiss it? I was worried he’d ask to kiss my face. I don’t want to take off my mask to do that.”

“No. Well, maybe. But he wants to perform fellatio on you.”

“Fellatio? Is that good?”

“It’s oral sex. A blowjob. It’s probably great for you.”

“Oral sex? So that’s… sex with mouths.”

“Yes. He wants to put your penis in his mouth and suck on it.”

“What?”

“Yes! I know there’s no audio problems, don’t act so shocked. I’d advise you to try it. I think you’ll enjoy it, if you already… enjoyed the attentions of his hand so much.”

“Sex with mouths doesn’t involve my mouth? But he wants to put his mouth on my dick? That… doesn’t make sense. Why would he want to put my dick in his mouth? And suck on it- No. No. That can’t be real. You’re making fun of me.”

“No! It’s real. Ask him.”

“I’m not going to ask him to put his mouth on my dick! That can’t be what he meant. I’m not going to make a fool of myself.”

“Well. I’m not making fun of you. If you don’t believe me, why don’t you use his phrasing? Ask him if he wants to get his lips around your cock today.”

“I… sure. But if he’s asking for oral sex, what if he wants me to take off my helmet?”

“Hm. My guess is that, if he hasn’t taken off his uniform, he’s not a big fan of undress. I doubt he’ll ask you that, but you can just say no, right? And ask him to slap your beef whistle again?”

“Well. I guess. But if you’re making fun of me, I’m going to- I’m going to send Kylo Ren again.”

“Okay. But we all know better than to give out our names, after the last time.”

“I can find out. I mean. Kylo Ren can find out for sure.”

“Well, that’s comforting, and definitely will make all of us want to help you in the future, should you require it. We’re making bets on when and how you'll need help, by the way.”

“Really? You think I’ll need more advice, that he’ll keep asking?”

“Some people here do.”

“That’s nice. But how much more could there possibly be? I must know almost all of it by now. I don’t really believe he’s going to… put his mouth down there, but he must want something, and there can’t be much more to it than that, right?”

“If you say so. But look, don’t threaten us, and don’t send Kylo Ren in again, okay? And call again if you need to.”

“Sure.”

 

 

——

 

 

“Welcome to the First Order Personnel Counseling Line. R-”

“YOU WERE RIGHT.”

“…Excuse me?”

“You were right about him wanting to suck on my cock. It was _so good_  I’ve never felt anything like that. I just came from there. I can barely stand. I can’t clear my mind. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to function after that.”

“Is this… are you Beef Whistle?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t start with that. So this time, I really wanted him to touch me again, but like you said-”

“You should probably know that it wasn’t me-”

“Whatever. So I was curious about what you said, about putting it in his mouth, so this time I asked him if he wanted his lips around my cock now or later, and he got red, and locked the door of his office, and almost tore my clothes off. He bent me over his desk and yanked my pants down and started sucking-”

“…”

“…”

“…Sir? Are you all right?”

“Yes, I… just… a minute.”

“…”

“Okay. But he got angry, said I ‘came too early’ and he might as well be blowing a teenager for all the good this did him. But I reminded him of what he said about how much he liked my cock, and he got mad again, and said I was lucky. So I told him we’d have to practice more.”

“Oh, wow. That’s good. That’s very good! It sounds like you’ve learned a lot. You’ve come a long way.”

“Right. But then I offered to slap his beef whistle again, and he threw me out, almost with my pants down around my ankles. Can you believe that? What if someone saw me like that?”

“Well, it wouldn’t be the first time that happened. We all have stories about officers getting spurned publicly by their lovers.”

“Yeah, but I’m- It’s different for me, is what I’m saying.”

“I’m sure it is.”

“But I’ve got a couple more questions.”

“I’m all ears.”

“So, after I told him we’d have to practice more, he started running his hands up my chest and stomach, and sort of… squeezed my pectorals. And he looked at me, and he was kind of angry, but also really red, and said he hoped I wanted come all over my helmet, because he wanted to straddle my chest and fuck himself between… —-.”

“Sir? I didn’t quite get that last part.”

“He said he wanted to fuck himself _between my tits_  and come all over my helmet.”

“Uh. Wow. That’s really… wow. Is that… something you’d be interested in?”

“I… I’m not sure what that means. But the way he phrased it, it was… it sounded _good._  Like, I might have knocked out anyone else who said that, but when H-uh, but when he says it, it sounds like a good thing, like something we both might like. But I don’t have tits. Does he want me to do something special for that?”

“Well. Having not seen you… I mean. It sounds like you might be confused about why your partner mentioned your- tits. If you don’t really have them. Well. Anybody can have fat on their chest. And some people are just very muscular, and it would… uh. If that’s your thing, it probably would feel really good to rub your dick between pectorals. Or any sort of... breasts, no matter how large or small, and any gender.”

“Huh. Really?”

“I’m just… guessing really, but it makes sense.”

“I guess I’m a pretty big guy. So he wants to just… what, rub his dick on my chest?”

“Well, for a nice pair of… breasts, some people like it when they are squeezed together and can rub their dick through them, with the breasts squeezed around them.”

“Huh. So, like, squeeze them together and run a dick through them? Is that really what he was asking me? Does that feel good?”

“Sure. Do you use your fist when you masturbate? It’s like that, but softer.”

“Oh! Yeah, he sort of did that with his gloves the first time. Softer was great. I didn’t know that before. So he wanted to… rub his dick between my… pecs, and then… come on my helmet?”

“It sounds like that’s what he was asking you, yes. Did he say anything else?”

“No. I didn’t understand what he was saying, and I didn’t want him to guess that, so that’s when I asked him if he wanted me to slap his beef whistle and he threw me out.”

“Well. Maybe you can ask him again, if it sounds like something you’d enjoy.”

“Yeah, I mean, if it’s something he’d like, sure. But I don’t get it.”

“It might make more sense if you see it once.”

“Okay. So is there anything else to sex? Something he might like? Or me?”

“Well, it sounds like you’re reluctant to take off your helmet, but you could perform fellatio on him as well.”

“Maybe. But he might find out that I don’t really know how to do that.”

“If he doesn’t already suspect, it would be a miracle. I don’t think that’s something you can hide from him, but it sounds like he’s quite attracted to you. If you’d like, you might suggest mutual fellatio, and it might distract him from your inexperience.”

“Mutual… sex with mouths? How does that work?”

“Just like it sounds. You do it while you’re both laying down, each with your face in the other’s genitals. And then you use your mouths on each other. Mutually distracting.”

“Huh. That’s… I. That sounds incredible. I would have never thought of that. That’s real sex. I want to. I think I’d really like him on top of me while he does that. I’d like that a lot. But I don’t really know what a dick tastes like, and maybe I’d be too… weirded out, with his dick in my mouth, to like it very much while he does it to me.”

“If you’re worried, maybe you should just ask him if you can do it to him first, and then you’ll know for next time. It’s called a sixty-nine, ask him for that.”

“A… sixty-nine? Are there sixty-eight other positions I’m supposed to ask for before that? Is there a manual?”

“W-uh, no, that position is the only one with a number. It’s… like the number sixty-nine. It’s a picture of what’s happening.”

“A picture? How?”

“So think of the number sixty-nine, and picture that the lines are the heads. The head of one is at the bottom of the other. Like the position. Do you get it?”

“Sort of. But it sounds like something else you made up.”

“I did not. Ask him for a sixty-nine and see what happens.”

“If he laughs at me, I’ll-”

“Yes, we know, we live in constant fear of you. None of us want to take your call, but we all certainly want to hear from you. If he doesn’t know what you’re talking about, make something up. Tell him it means you want him to perform fellatio on you while you’re sitting down, or something. Is that good enough for you?

“I can do that. But maybe I _should_ ask him if I can suck his dick before that. Or, I guess, get my lips around his cock. Oh! But… I’ll have to take off my helmet for both.”

“Yes. You’d have to remove your helmet to service him orally. Are you worried about that?”

“It’s my thing. I think he might not agree to more of this if I took it off.”

“What an odd thing to say. It sounds like he enjoys your body quite a bit. Certainly he won’t mind anything about your face.”

“But my whole _job_ … nevermind. I shouldn’t take my helmet off. But maybe I will.”

“I’d give it serious consideration, if you are planning on continuing your relationship.”

“Did you have to put it like that?”

“Like what?”

“ _Relationship_. It’s _not that_. I want him to get me off, and I want to get him off. _That’s all there is_.”

“Whatever, just… don’t get angry. How about you try what we talked about, and then give us a call if you have any more questions? It sounds like you might be ready to go through with the rest of it. We especially want a call if you go all the way. We’re all rooting for you, sir.”

“You told me that you were betting on me.”

“I didn’t tell you that. But yes, the other operators made me say that last part.”

“Are they listening?”

“Oh yes. The comms fly around here. Even the officers off-duty get in on it. It’s an event, but none of us want to be on duty when you do.”

“That’s really nice. I’m glad you guys are rooting for me. I’ll call back to tell you how it’s going.”

“Yes, sir.”

 

 

——

 

 

“Welcome to the First Order-”

“What does it mean when he says he’s ready?”

“Excuse me? I need to inform you, if you’re calling from a secure-”

“I know about the secure line thing. Listen, he says he’s ready, and I’m not sure what he means.”

“Ready? Are you talking about… a defector? Or someone who’s planning something drastic? Taking their own life, or the life of another?”

“No! I’m talking about the guy I’m having sex with! You told me to ask him for a sixty-nine. That was good. He really liked that, and so did I. We’ve been doing it more frequently, and now I’m allowed to come to his rooms. I took my helmet off and everything. Oh, but not before the tit thing. We do that almost all the time before I take my helmet off now. We both like that.”

“…Beef Whistle?”

“Yeah. So we get together a lot, and I really like it, but he keeps telling me he’s ready, and keeps asking me what I’m waiting for, and that there’s no need to be shy. It sounds like he’s getting angry. He asks if I need him to make me a diagram. I don’t know what he means, though. Do you?”

“I’m glad to hear it’s going so well. We all are. We hadn’t heard from you in so long.”

“Yeah, whatever, it’s fine, except for this. What’s he ready for?”

“You’ll have to give me more details. So you’ve reciprocated, and you’ve offered to perform fellatio on him?”

“Yes. He told me I was terrible at first, but he showed me how to do it better. He says that everything’s better when my mouth is full and he doesn’t have to listen to my terrible dirty talk.”

“Of course. And you said you enjoyed the sixty-nine position.”

“Yeah, that’s great. We’ve also tried it a few different ways, like laying down, and sometimes I hold him up, or I do… uh. Yeah. We’ve tried a bunch of things.”

“Do you have non-penetrative sex?”

“Non-penetrative? I guess. That must be what he calls ‘practice humping.’ He complains when I ask for it, usually all the way through. He always calls me a ‘teenager,’ and asks me how my celibate life in- uh. Where I grew up, was. But we’ve done it a couple times. I like it. He doesn’t come when we do it, though. What else?”

“Huh.  That was't quite what I was imagining. Have you tried mutual handjobs, or intercrural sex?”

“I don’t know what those are.”

“One would be… for instance, you each hold the other’s penis in your hand and stroke to finish, or one person holds both penises in one hand and strokes both. Intercrural sex would be sex between the thighs. Depending on how you do it, your penises can brush together that way too, more or less. That can be quite pleasurable.”

“Hm. We haven’t tried either of those, though I was thinking about mutual handjobs before we moved on to blowjobs. I forgot about them. So, is there anything else I should try? I’m getting pretty bold. I suggested some of the positions myself, and I use the- I mean, I use some of my own talents, and it’s good for both of us. He, uh, likes it. When I hold him up. With… my strength. Or hold him down with it.”

“It does sound like you’ve tried some more adventurous activities between you. Have you tried any anal foreplay yet?”

“ _What?_ ”

“Like fingers, or perhaps a toy. Anal stimulation.”

“Anal, as in… the butt?”

“Correct, yes.”

“What? Why would we do that? There’s absolutely nothing I’d want less than H-uh, his fingers in my butt when we’re… what? When he has my dick in my mouth?”

“You can do it that way, yes, but I’d recommend… well, if he’s telling you he’s ready, I think you should do it to him. Make sure he’s comfortable, on his back, or possibly on his stomach, crouched on his knees with his shoulders down.”

“His ass in the air?”

“Correct. You’ll need the lubricant for this. Coat your index finger in lubricant, and try pushing it into his anus. Don’t push too hard, you’ll want to go slow at first. Maybe to the first knuckle, then pull out and push in. Rub the tip of your finger around his anus, and try to coax him into relaxing. He should, if he’s enjoying it, and you should be able to put more of your finger in.”

“I don’t understand. Why would I put my finger in his butt? Is this another joke at my expense? Because-”

“We all remember, we don’t forget. Do _you_  remember when you didn’t think he’d want to put his mouth on your penis?”

“ _Yes_ , I remember that. Okay. But this seems even weirder. He’s telling me he’s ready because he wants me to put a finger in his butt? And that’s supposed to feel good?”

“Yes. But you have to be careful. Are you good with your hands? Gentle?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty gentle and good with my hands.”

“Good. This is delicate, and there’s a very good chance you’ll hurt him. You have to be very careful. In fact- if you don’t really believe this feels good, why don’t you just tell him you’ve never done it before, and have him do it to you once so you’ll know? That might be safer for both of you.”

“If he’s telling me he’s ready, I don’t want him to _know_  I don’t know what he’s talking about. That’s why I’m calling you.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, and I know we’ve said this to you before, but he probably knows that about you. And it sounds like things are going really well, so you should want to be careful with him.”

“I can be careful! I get it.”

“At the very least, you should try it on yourself first, so you know what it feels like.”

“I don’t want to stick my fingers in my butt. Nobody does this. I think you’re still making fun of me.”

“No. Really. Please. Just listen. Some people do this as masturbation. You masturbate, right? You used to call it something else, I remember. Do you think of your lover and masturbate with your penis?”

“Of course. Usually in the shower.”

“Okay. Well, try this. Think of him, and slick your finger instead. Once you get it all the way in, you’ll want to find your prostate. And his, too, when you’re doing it to him. Prostate contact can increase sexual pleasure. You can massage your prostate to orgasm, but most people prefer to start with that and finish by stroking the penis. You can also do both at once.”

“Prostate? So I’m looking for something inside the butt, and that feels good? How will I know?”

“You’ll know, I think, and you’ll be able to tell with your partner too, provided you’re being slow and gentle.”

“And you’re not making this up? Have you tried it? Does it feel good?”

“I do not have a prostate. And no, I’m not making this up.”

“Well. I’ll try it. How can I tell you’re not putting me on? Is there something he’ll do so I know to continue? And that I don’t have to go down to the counseling center- with Kylo Ren, because you guys are taking bets on how I’ll embarrass myself next?”

“No, don’t do that. We’ve all been very helpful, haven’t we?”

“Yes, but I still don’t believe you.”

“Okay. Look. Tell him-”

“Hello? What? Tell him what?”

“Hold on. I can’t do this. Let me get someone who’s better at this sort of thing.”

“Okay.”

“…”

“Beef Whistle?”

“Here.”

“Okay. So give us a minute. This is a group effort. We’re putting together some lines you can use.”

“But he didn’t like the last ones. I keep trying, and he keeps telling me to shut up.”

“It worked when Insell told you to ask if he wanted your big cock in his mouth, right?”

“Well, yeah, that worked.”

“Okay. We’ll get some lines for you, and we’ll tell you how he’ll react so you’ll know you’re doing it right. We’re all trying hard for you, Beef Whistle. We want you to succeed. Give us a minute. Can you do that?”

“Okay.”

“…”

“So, here’s what you need to do. You said he titty-fucks you and comes on your helmet, right? You usually start with that?”

“Yeah.”

“So you ask him, ‘You’d better be ready for what comes next, because I’m going to wring you dry tonight.’ And then you wanna lean up and cup his balls, but make sure your first or middle finger touches his asshole. He should know what you mean, and react. He’s gonna be either excited, or whatever it is he does when he’s wound up.”

“That’s a good line! That sounds like something he’d like. What’s next?”

“You need to tell him to show you his ass, and if he wants this, he should enthusiastically consent here, or stick his ass in the air, or lay back and prop it up with pillows. Depends on how you guys want it.”

“Can I ask him for a specific position?”

“Yeah. What do you prefer?”

“I think this might be easier if he’s not facing me. I might be… a little… You know. Embarrassed.”

“That’s perfectly fine. So you might wanna say something like, ‘Put your ass in the air. If you want it, you’d better let me see it.’ In this scenario, you’re very forceful, is that okay? It sounds like you guys might be enjoying more forceful play already.”

“Sure. He doesn’t like being bossed around, but I can do that.”

“Hey, if he doesn’t like it, you shouldn’t force him.”

“I’m not forcing him into any of this. I can tell. What’s next?”

“Okay, so you put lube on an index finger, and you wanna brace it against his ass with the other fingers on that hand, and kinda tease the rim while you slick the hole a little more. You’re gonna want a lot of lube for this, so be generous. Now you wanna lean in, over him or behind him, and ask him if he wants some nice big fingers in his ass, if he’s that kind of slut.”

“What! I should call him a slut?”

“Yeah. A lot. Tell him he’s a whore, ask how many times he’s had his lonely fingers up his ass, thinking about this. Ask him how many times he’s begged for this, and whether he can be a good slut and beg one more time. Make sure you tell him his fingers are nothing compared to yours. You’re going to fill him up good.”

“Wow. This sounds really stupid. How do I know he’s going for it?”

“We figure he’ll tell you to stop if he doesn’t like it, or tell you to do something else. If he tells you to shut up, which it sounds like he does a lot, just do the rest without talking.”

“So what’s the rest?”

“Just like she told you earlier. You have to use a lot of lube, and you gotta go slow. Start with one knuckle deep, and go slow until he’s relaxed enough to take the whole finger. If you start with letting him masturbate, that might be enough, but sometimes erotic touch or dirty talk will work too, if he seems tense. You’ll wanna find the prostate after that. He’ll like that.”

“And I just… reach around in there?”

“Well, I don’t have much advice there, but yeah, you’ll know when you find it. I’d move the finger in and out while you’re looking, and talk, so he doesn’t know you can’t find it.”

“Okay.”

“After you do this for awhile, and you have an easy time with one finger, try the tips of two fingers.”

“Two? Wait, why would he want more than one?”

“You’ll like this part. Go slow. If it sounds like he masturbates like this, or otherwise has experience, this might be okay the first time, but let him stop you if he needs to, and if he’s not used to it, one finger might be enough the first time. But you’ll eventually want to stretch him pretty far. The goal, and what he might be hinting at, is that he wants anal sex.”

“So… this is like oral sex, but… sex with the butt?”

“Yes. Buttfucking. You want to get him stretched out enough to put your dick in there.”

“And I can just… slide it in?  And move it around?”

“Slowly. Very slowly.  Slow in, slow out, slow back in. This will hurt him.”

“And he’ll like that?”

“Presumably he’ll stop you if you’re not doing it right, but yes, there are a lot of people that enjoy it.”

“So… I guess I can see why it would feel good to me, but it feels good to have a dick inside your ass? I don’t really understand that.”

“Well, if he asked for it, I’m guessing he prefers to have you do it to him, but again, if you want to experiment, there’s a lot of toys you can try yourself, if you don’t want to ask him and want to know how it feels.”

“I don’t, really. But what kind of... toys?”

“You know. A rubber penis. That you can use to do it to yourself?  From the Deck four specialty store.”

“A fake penis you put in your butt? No. That’s a lie. Listen. I’m going to hang up, because I can tell this is complete shit. I’m going to try it though, and if he stops me or laughs at me, I’m coming down there.”

“No! Hey, I don’t know why you don’t just use the holonet to-*click*”

 

 

—

 

 

“Welcome-”

“Right. I was told to ‘call and apologize’ and that I needed to ‘be respectful’ of all the help you’ve provided me. That you ‘really taught me a lot’ and that ‘you put up with a lot from me, and I should not have threatened your lives like I did.’”

“Oh! Beef Whistle! It’s good to hear from you. We wondered if we’d hear from you again.”

“I have to _be respectful_ , but I think it’s reasonable to tell you that _I’m not happy_  with you, and that I will not be calling back again.”

“I… what? We mostly weren’t-”

“He calls me Beef Whistle now. He told me the joke.”

“He… found out about it?”

“He listened to all the calls! You didn’t tell me you were recording them!”

“We did! We try to tell you every time! It’s part of the disclaimer we are required to give blocked callers. Every blocked call is recorded. You usually cut us off before we get that far into the warning.”

“Whatever. He told me that the call center staff kept the recordings and listened to the highlights frequently. That you have a special signal to gather the staff, and a comm channel that you all listen in on whenever I call. _Hello_ , sensitivity officers of the _Finalizer_.”

“He… what? We… did have some… inquiries into our procedures. Rather suddenly. We weren’t reprimanded. We were told that those recordings found their way to the top of the command-”

“They fucking did! He won’t stop laughing at me! He leaves dildos all over, he made me———”

“Excuse me? I didn’t quite hear that?”

“He made me start… he did that to me, with his fingers, after the first time. When I tried it... it went well at first, just like you told me. But he couldn’t stop laughing at me when I kept calling him a slut and a whore, but he didn’t stop me so I kept going, and everything else was like you said. Other than the laughing, he seemed to really like my finger. But after awhile he started complaining about how slow I was going, that there was way too much lube, it was too messy, that I wouldn’t break him, so I tried to just push in-”

“ **No** , you didn’t let us finish, don’t do that-”

“Yeah, you didn’t tell me not to, and then I panicked, and told him you didn’t tell me anything about it.  And he wanted to know _who_ didn't tell me _what_. And I was… mad, then, and didn’t know what to say, and part of the truth came out. He figured it out and called the counseling center, and…”

“And got the confidential recordings? They… went all the way to the top of the command chain… are you _having sex with Gen_ -”

“He told me not to let his name get dragged into this ‘humiliation,’ but he… I don’t know, requisitioned the recordings, and listened to them, and now he keeps giving me dildos, and some of them are so kriffing big I don’t know how they’re going to fit in my ass, but he said I had to prove I could take them. And I have to call and apologize to you, using exactly his words, before he’d let me try having sex with him again.”

“So, you have orders from… uh, from the top, you were asking us for advice for fucking… uh. Huh.”

“Yeah. I didn’t realize you were making me into a joke when you called me Beef Whistle.”

“What were we supposed to call you?”

“Not Beef Whistle! He sends me mission briefs and reports under that name, he refuses to use my real title anymore. He takes every chance he can to get me alone so he can use that name. I don’t get the respect I deserve from him anymore. I should execute every single one of you, but he told me he’d space me if I did that, and that you were ‘providing a valuable service to the Order’ and that ‘we both needed to be thankful for your infinite patience with my complete ignorance.’”

“Well, it was our pleasure. Really.”

“I bet it was.”

“So… before you go, someone just sent me a question that I was wondering about, too. So you started using… uh, toys on yourself?”

“Yeah. I have to.”

“Do you like it?”

“Sort of. It’s still weird. He told me I have to know what it feels like before I’m allowed anywhere near his ass again.”

“So… are you wearing butt plugs, too?”

“He showed me those. Sometimes, I guess, it does make things easier later, when I have to put one of the dildos in for him.”

“He watches you do it?”

“Yeah. He tells me to ‘stuff those rubber baloney ponies right up my ass’ and he sits there in his full uniform and makes me do it crouching on the floor, and I know that asshole is getting hard in his pants and jerking off later, but he won’t even let me watch him masturbate anymore, it’s fucking insulting-”

“This is… wow. I want you to know that we’re all absolutely thrilled to have been part of this. Uh. Rather upper level and somewhat public courtship. We were happy to help. Are you actually angry with us? We did give you a lot of good advice.”

“Yeah. Of course you did.”

“You got pretty far with him.”

“I did. And he didn’t throw me out. Permanently. He said I should ‘be grateful’ about my physique and my ‘ridiculous cock.’ He still wants that inside him, but not before I’m ‘properly trained.’”

“Wow. So, I guess, one last thing, because this is a really good question, and the staff is all agreeing with it right now. You mentioned you were the same rank, and in this case, we figure that means ‘Commander,’ so are you-”

“Shit! No, I’m not. I lied about that part. We’re definitely different ranks-”

“But it would make sense, if you’re as muscular as the Gene- uh, as what you’re telling us, and you mentioned something else-”

“No. I apologized, and he’ll have this log as proof. I’m not allowed to execute you, so I’m done with you.”

“No, we absolutely need to know that the person having sex with _your partner_  is Kyl-*click*”

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Tumblr: [@vadianna](http://vadianna.tumblr.com/).


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